The Recording

Two friends in a room

Are you recording?

Wait.
Yes. Hold on—no.
Oops. I am now. I think.

(gravitas)
What I have to tell you isn’t easy for me.

Sorry—sorry—wasn’t recording. Fat fingers!
We’re back now. Cameras rolling. And – action!

What I have to tell you isn’t easy for me. Actually - can you step back a bit? Or zoom out? You’re quite close. It’s a bit intense.
Also, I’m not sure about my eyeshadow. It’s very blue.

Hmmm, yes. Blue’s such a cold colour.
Might make you look bruised.

I was just thinking it might be too eighties. But thanks. I guess.

Do you know how long this is going to take?

It’ll take as long as it takes.
This is probably the most important thing you’ll ever do for me…
My life is on the line?

You’re not dying.

I might be eliminated though.

Yes, that actually sounds much worse. (beat) It’s just that I need to walk Julian.

Well, I think the dog can probably wait a few minutes given how serious this is but let’s crack on quickly so Julian doesn’t get bored.

You don’t need to be so snippy. I’m helping you.

Sorry. This is stressful.
You’re still rolling, aren’t you?

Yes.

Ask me the question then?

(beat) Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not sure it’s the right question.
I’m not sure anyone else feels the way you do, and—

I disagree. I think it’s a universal question that everyone can relate to. They just don’t admit to it. When you walk into a shop do you feel like everyone’s watching, thinking: she’s about to shop-lift?

Never.

I do. I feel sick with nerves every time I go shopping.
Lidl. Mint Velvet. The lot.

That’s stressful.

You don’t need to reply to everything I say. These people just need a good, uninterrupted, sense of who I am.

What people?

The powerful people who decide my fate. Are you still rolling?

Yes. Absolutely.

So the first thing I do to combat those uncomfortable feelings is to give the security guard a nice big smile, so I don’t look like a thief.

You don’t look like a thief anyway. I’d get it if you wore a hat like Oliver Twist but –

Smiling makes me look approachable to anyone guarding the shop.

What, in case they need to come over and ask if you’re shop-lifting? Honestly, I think the smile at the start makes it worse. Makes you look guilty.

(beat) Anyway. After years of feeling this crushing anxiety—
Years of walking into shops feeling watched—
I went in search of another solution.

Sounds ominous.

I discovered that the only way to stop the anxiety is to wear a violin.

Wear a violin? Do you mean wear it like a dress?
Because that sounds like you might not be wearing anything else. Which is a distracting image.

I mean wear it on my back. Like a rucksack. The point is that people see the violin and think:
She’s OK. She’s decent. She’s a classical musician. I suppose I’d get the same effect if I wore a dog collar.

You can borrow Julian’s if you like?

A vicar’s dog collar?

I don’t understand why you’re telling us this anecdote.

Because it tells The Powerful everything they need to know. That I’m a natural problem solver and an Everyman. Rock Solid. Flexible.

Can you be rock solid and flexible at the same time?

Yes of course I can. Where was I? And above all, it tells them I’m resilient. These are all qualities that scream strategist and most importantly… survivor.

I survived Mint Velvet! Yay!

How can you be so flip about this?

Flip?

Flippant! This is my life! Dodging and weaving through life’s troubles.

That really does sound like Oliver Twist.

What is your problem right now?
Why are you being such a detractor?

(Puts down camera phone) Since you ask—
I suppose I’m wondering why we spend so much time on your stuff… And why you never ask about my work.

How’s work?

Fine.

That’s why I never ask. Because you always say “Fine.”
It’s what you say when you don’t want to talk about something. “Fine” is a wall you don’t want me to knock down.
And I can respect that.

That’s fair. But I think you should make more of an effort to
Knock down my wall

Alright then.
(Beat) What do you love most?

Julian.
He’s an unconditional source of love.

Did you read that in an article?

Yes. But that doesn’t make it less true. (beat) I want to leave my job.

Go ahead then.

It’s not that easy.
I’ve got the dog to think about. I worked hard to earn the right to take Julian into the office.
If I change jobs, I have to factor him in.
So many employers won’t let you bring a dog to work.

I think the dog needs to get out of your way.
By which I mean—you need to get out of your own way.

It’s not about the dog.

Why don’t you do one of these videos?

Because if it doesn’t work then I’ll still be stuck.

Like it or lump it then.

Lump it? That’s it? That’s your advice?

Yes.

Right. (beat) I’m worried about you.

You’re worried about me?

I think you’re going to get assassinated.

Eliminated. I’d rather go out in a blaze of glory than spend my life not trying because an office might not have space for Julian.

(beat) I feel a bit low now.

I’m sorry -

I get that things are life or death for you right now -

Yes. They really are. I really want to be on the new series of The Traitors.
(beat) And if this video doesn’t convince them —
Then at least I’ll know.

Sure.
When you’ve finished recording can we go to the pub?

Of course

I’ll walk Julian for ten minutes and then he can conk out on the floor.
I really think I need to leave my job.

Give me two minutes to do my closing speech. And a few more for notes.
I won’t lie—this one will be a big edit. (beat) But the deadline isn’t for a while.
So I’ve got time to polish, I suppose. We should go to that place that does dog biscuits and pink gin. Julian will have to go easy on the gin, though.
We’ll brainstorm new job ideas for you.

Thanks.

OK, good chat.

Thanks.

Let’s crack on then?

Yes, of course. I’m really excited for you. I really hope you get to wear one of those hooded cloaks.

That’s the part I’m looking forward to the most.